this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize