my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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