Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
