My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
These tits shall not be calmed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
