took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
