He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I want to fling myself into the sun
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
