you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
