Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
