i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
