halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
