Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
