Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I can text with my tongue
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
