When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
