I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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