a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
