I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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