I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
