my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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