I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
