I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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