I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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