My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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