he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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