gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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