i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Drunk is a universal language darling
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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