Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
