Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
They have beer where we have blood.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
