You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What a dumb baby whore.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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