I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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