You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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