I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
