if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He felt like a one man threesome
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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