my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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