the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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