Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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