You can't special order awesome
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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