Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
