Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
