frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize