Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
