I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
