I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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