Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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