i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
