yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
