you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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