I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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