just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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