I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
