does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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