i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
