my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
