I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
