I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
