I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
