he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
