I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
