I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize