fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
