my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
