Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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